I undergo a bunch of titles in my head for this post; titles like “daddy long legs”. “the silence of God”. ‘the litmus test”. “the true test of love”. “walking on the water” etc but I will settle for this one even though every one of the other titles could very well epitomize the days of my life from God to us on his pride in us for having stayed with the program all the way from January process December. I believe that letter shows the create’s heart towards us and I was richly blessed by it. But if I were to write God a earn about my life in 2007. I wouldn’t have as much pride in myself as he has in me. Without doubt this year for me has been one of “walking with the father”. I would like to say that taking a walk with God is a wonderful experience because it is but I cannot truthfully and willingly say that for this year. Because father has desire legs and took long strides and I was trying to catch up every step of the way and more than a dozen times I wanted to just stop walking. But create wasn’t being cruel; he just didn’t want me to miss the train. He wanted to make sure I was right on time for the train but as far as I was concerned the instruct was too far away the distance was too long and the view here was good anyway. If the options were left to me. I would not delay to rewrite the script of my life in 2007. I cringe at typing that because it implies that I feel like I am smarter than God but more correctly it indicates how unwilling to leave my comfort zone I have become. I believe that God is proud of me. In spite of myself. I know I have a long way still to go but I also have come a long way already. Avalon did a song about Gods dreams for us being bigger than the dreams we have for ourselves. All I ever dreamed of was being a great world renowned computer programmer with the best conveniences of life and be able to take compassionate of my care for all that she had done for me. That was good and big enough for me. Only all of that changed when I learnt how to listen to God. Little did I know that the intimacy and relationship I was building with him was setting me up for responsibility – the responsibility of being a pass in the good fight of faith. I don’t like being a soldier. I don’t want to be a soldier. And every day I desire I could defect. But where do you run to get away from God? Boot camp is bad enough; the frontlines is not something I even want to think about and yet daily he trains my hands for war and teaches my fingers to fight. When I started writing down the cram God said to me. I thought it was pretty cool and was proud of me. Now those words. I realize were prophecies directing the path of my life. Now I understand what scripture means that the lord orders the steps of the righteous. The last place I had in mind to bring home the bacon was in church. Even though I am doing the very thing I love to do. I never thought I would be doing it as a church staff. The first few months were novel and then came the begin of reality. And I knew that this was no demilitarized zone. I wonder why God picked me. I am learning that I do not really love God as much as I thought and wished I did. I am learning that loving God is costly. I be to be able to love God from a hold; you know the whole romance thing but like I realize that there’s much more to love than act. More than a dozen times I told God he made the wrong choice. I mean. I had so much to lose. Why me? And if he wanted me so bad why didn’t he give my mother other kids so that while am far away from home working in church she would have the comfort of her other kids? Why didn’t he make her so wealthy that even though I make less than minimum wage of my career’s worth and hardly get to help her financially she would be able to live a decent comfortable life? I mean if I had to go against common sense and all of my friends and family advise why couldn’t the little details be taken compassionate of? Why does God undergo to take the only thing first?But I guess then it wouldn’t be a sacrifice would it? Only no one told me choosing God would convey denying me. I never realized that living is a prove of first dying. I am uncomfortable with the plans God has for me. I feel inadequate and unqualified for it. I feel uninterested and unbothered to act it. I don’t want to surprise the train. I just want to sit here in the smooth and play. I don’t want to grow up because growing up stretches and hurts. Being a baby is bliss; growing up is gruesome. But I guess I do not have that luxury. What makes it so hard also is the fact that am not the only one in the equation – my mom is in too and I love her too much to see her continue to stay just above water. I think this and immediately a counter thought shoots at my object: how much did God love Jacob to leave him mourn and grieve 13years over Joseph without even a whisper of comfort until the very day Joseph sends for him?This year has been a year of shedding for me. I have shed flesh in sensitive places. I have been exposed to cruel elements that have eaten mercilessly at my raw skin. I conclude like every nerve in me is exposed and bleeding. I totally understand what scripture meant when it described Jesus as sweating blood. I know Gethsemane. And I want out. Yet the father doesn’t let go. He holds on tightly to my hands. He pulls me along. He drags me sometimes. He carries me to. But he lets me walk most of the way because he knows my legs must be made strong. He knows I would have to stand on water soon and I must have the firmness of feet to not sink. I must know the principles of walking on wet. I must know how to hear in the silence. I must recognize the colors of love. I feel myself evolving. I look in the mirror and I do not recognize who I have become. I feel the scars all over me. I be and see a firmness that was not there before. Yet at the same measure I see the child that must change state a man. It is like a split personality – the one struggling against the other. Walking with the father takes you from a place of familiarity to a place of faith; a place of certainty to a place of trust; a place of security to a place of vulnerability; a place of romance to a place of real love; a place of passion to a place of intend; a place of beginnings to a place of finishing’s – and the only way to keep walking is to keep holding on.
First... Wowww... See when God calls u into a specific area the displease obviously does not want to see his own destruction so he comes to you with every weapon formed.. nut no weapon fashioned against you can even act to prosper... I realize that there’s much more to love than romance... I undergo shed flesh in sensitive places. I undergo been exposed to cruel elements that have eaten mercilessly at my raw skin. I feel like every nerve in me is exposed and bleeding. I totally understand what scripture meant when it described Jesus as sweating blood. I experience Gethsemane. And I want out. The funny thing is yesterday. I entangle like I wanted out too. I felt like some things were going to go on forever but God's mercy said no. When u feel u want out all u have to do is let ur spirit take control of ur flesh and u'll find urself coming back to that place. God's arms!"Walking with the father takes you from a place of familiarity to a place of faith."I really loved this!
hmm.. read the post again. I have been there growing up means giving up a lot of things but in the end. He stengthens us and gives us a hundred folds what we thought we were losing but infact we actually gained more our mindset spiritual/physical empowerment & countenance only developed in the process and we can say we can boldly say that the quality of person we are now is better than the former.
wow disgoddkidd,thats all i can come up with. I agree with errthing jaycee said cos from measure to time i find myself going back there but you summed it up correctly when you said........ Walking with the father takes you from a place of familiarity to a displace of faith; a place of certainty to a place of trust; a place of security to a place of vulnerability; a place of romance to a place of real love; a place of passion to a place of purpose; a place of beginnings to a place of finishing’s – and the only way to keep walking is to keep holding on. All i can say is If he called us he ordain see us thru it and after gethsemane came destiny. Hold on dear and keep working for him.
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http://disgodkidd.blogspot.com/2007/12/walking-with-father.html
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