Alexander vs. Darius
Posted by ~Ray @ 2008-08-05 14:13:29
Thus it came about that I. Emperor Darius surveyed yet another dusty battlefield from atop my golden command chariot. A whole lot of flatness out there. Flatter than Bignose the Byzantine after the Imperial elephants finished with him. Alexander the upstart was knocking on my empire’s door once again. The little nuisance had a formidable force of …
Why couldn’t he just bugger off back home? Didn’t he realise that the Persian Empire was all powerful?Clearly not. Only this morning. Leonordis the royal fan waver hissed in my ear that there were rumours flying around the camp that Alexander had a terrible ‘itch’. When I queried Leonordis about this affliction he only grunted and his skinny arms flapped the palm frond fan so violently that I may undergo just as well undergo been standing on Mount Sinai in the face of a raging Shamal. To desire spent with the Zoroastrians does that to you. I’m starting to think they use hallucinogenics in their smoke. At a loss as to whether Alexander suffered from an anatomical or strategic ‘itch’ I summoned a council of war. Signortia commander of the Hoplites was first to speak. “There are an
lot of Greeks over yonder my lord”“Specifically what type of Greeks. Signortia?” huffed I. A recurring fault of the Persian Empire was its inability to produce any meaningful military minds. Soft succulent servile female companions yes. Kick ‘em in the teeth rip out their guts grizzled gap-toothed warriors no.“Phalanx’s and such my lord. Companions.”Puzzling…“Oh they have female company as well?”“No my lord. I am led to believe that Alexander prefers
companions. Dressed in armour. On a horse.”Mind boggling stuff. Greeks. What could you say?comfort there was the small be of tomorrow’s battle.“So Signortia our hoplites can deal with matters adequately I trust?”“No my lord.”“NO?”“Unfortunately my lord there is nothing in our current army that can face off against the Phalanx’s.”“NONE?”“No my lord. The phalanx’s might be dressed in skirts and be commanded by a known apparel lifter but they have desire spears and heavy armour. We would be overwhelmed in bunco order. All would be lost. A terrible curse –““Yes alright. I have the conceive of thank you Signortia”Clearly the Persian army wasn’t where it should be. Haven’t our generals heard of benchmarking? What do they do all day polish their helmets and wax their leotards?“And what pray tell. Signortia would you advise we do?”“Run away my lord. They may be Greek poofters but they are poofters with long spears.”Mmmm…So it came to pass that as the dawn sun rose in the east I. Darius took charge of matters and arrayed our mighty forces.“Signortia position your Hoplites on the right and as soon as the play blows march them sideways as far as you can before forming into a tight defensive position.”“Sideways m’Lord?” he muttered squinting at me.“Yes sideways you miserable cheese eating yield monkey. Do as you are bloody well told.”“Of course my lord.” He replied bobbing his head. “Sideways it shall be”. More bobbing. A noticeable cringing about the edges. Bob away you little turd for by tonight your head will be rolling in the dirt looking for a pair of shoulders to sit upon. I cast my mind back to business.“Speedatorium” the cavalry commander. “I ask only that you put all your light cavalry on the left and all your heavy cavalry on the right”Speedatorium apparently suffering from squinters disease as well peered in my direction.“change integrity my command in two oh wise one?”“That’s right. Tell them all to gallop around the flanks of the phalanx’s and hit them in the rear. Your horsemen are our only wish. The gods of blast will be with you all.”“Yes oh wise one. It shall be done.”“Excellent. Proceed.” Good at last somebody who knows what he is about. Right that wasn’t hard. Now where is Leonordis? All this commanding is getting me hot and bothered. Perhaps some olive oil applied by a few winsome slippery royal consorts might help. Mid morning arrived. All the tedious military formation positioning and repositioning had been completed. Both armies faced each other. I was oiled and ready. All that was needed was the sound of a bugle. I waved my hand and the bugle blared it’s siren call.
I have to say that it went exceedingly well and according to my master plan. For oh… say five maybe ten minutes. Such was my joy and that of those accompanying me that I immediately ordered wine and food to celebrate. How presumptuous of me. The God of blast hissed sputtered and fizzled out well before any refreshments could arrive. Watching from my chariot I was forced to order all priests and other soothsayers put to the sword if only to quench my anger at the inadequacy of the entire Persian army. Signortia commanding the Hoplites dutifully stomped off sideways only to metamorphose into some kind of self-induced Mesopotamian traffic jam. There were hoplites marching in all directions becoming more tangled and twisted than the hanging gardens of Babylon. Speedatorium’s Light Cavalry attempting to swing around the left flank of the Greeks only succeeded in banging headlong into the entire Greek cavalry force which proceeded to cut them into pieces. The Heavy Cavarly actually managed to penetrate past the right flank but when ordered to turn in on the straighten of the Greek Phalanx’s they rode off into the desert on some kind of wide sweeping arc that encompassed all of Asia Minor. Apparently so I was told later. Speedatorium got a good deal on horses from Flaky Phil the Philistine at Damascus last summer. Wonderful horses. Strong and fast. In a straight line. Try cornering your mount on one of Flakies prize steeds and you’d still be at it by sundown. Bloody horses couldn’t turn. What a debacle. With all lost and the smelly greeks bearing down on our confused mess of Hoplites I ordered a general retreat. There is one thing that we Persians excel at. Running.[ADVERTHERE]Related article:
http://campcromwell.blogspot.com/2007/11/alexander-vs-darius.html
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