“Being born into a strict religious family in the South. I was inundated with the message that my purpose in life was to grow up go to college and get married,” she said. “This in fact was the pivotal factor in deciding which college to attend after graduating from high school.”
Rhea is 34 and has never been married. At 17 she began her adult studies at a private religious college. However it wasn’t the books and courses that weighed heavy on her mind — it was the constant questions from her mother of whether or not she met someone. And it wasn’t just her family applying the pressure. It was also her community.
“Because of the tremendous expectations to marry all throughout my life when I did not find someone that was even almost suitable to have a long term relationship with it devastated me,” she said. “That was in my twenties.”
Because of her age and surroundings. Rhea has had her share of questioning — and speculation from others. The overall impression is that something must be “wrong” with her. But what if the reasons are because of as she pointed out cultural or preferential reasons? One example she mentioned is if you simply just don’t want to marry? Or if you can’t because of your orientation? Being that there are so many factors that may be involved the simple question is: What’s the big deal?
Being single does not mean I am not desirable or that something is wrong with me,” Rhea said. “It does not mean I am asexual or have some mutant gene or that some dude almost killed me and I’m just done with men period. It does not mean I am a male hater and feel that I do not need a man in my life. It does not mean that I will never marry. Hell. Gloria Steinem first married at age 66!”
For Rhea and others in her same position the societal forced urgency of having to get married just to be married has escaped her — a big reason being is that old adage that marriage shouldn’t be taken for granted. Seems like an obvious enough statement but it isn’t always exactly followed. Just look at today’s. And maybe even over your shoulder! Serial marriages are a constant such as in Rhea’s case where many of her friends have already seen more than their share of walking down the isle.
“I cannot tell you how many times I have had to ask some women always tactfully of course. ‘How do you spell your last name?’ because sometimes I’m just not sure if the marriage is or isn’t,” she said. “And because of this sad phenomenon marriage evokes different definitions to many people.”
The definition of marriage for Rhea is rooted in spirituality — “sacred and special” she said. She also said she would love to be in a “healthy respectful loving and nurturing relationship with the right man” and would surely choose that scenario over being single. And there isn’t any doubt that Rhea would do so while still keeping her identity in tact. Her advice to other single women?
“Get out there be the person you want to be explore create travel do fun and exciting things don’t wait until you find someone — do what you want to do right now and he will come when the time is right!”
Life has as many reasons as there are stars in the heavens. Some classical ones are procreation or at least some form of species continuation according to nature. But even that is an over simplification.
Mankind posses probably not singular to just homo sapiens but at least homo sapiens the ability to allow an individual to life in spite of its contribution to the group. Group dynamics is essentially a upper species behavior not the purely Darwinian survival of the fittest. In this end as mankind evolved it was determined that survival was easier if more people became involved thus the formation of society. A collection of males and females. Society was not required to survive it just helped tip the odds in its favor. And success beget success and that is where this group dynamics freed from survival allowed societal forces to evolve deeper into sub-groups between a man and a woman but in any event it was societal.
Now we flash forward to today and individuals have come to be self sufficient in their own and the societal bonds of “marriage” are no longer needed but instead of living in a primal sense of providing food we are more focused on the deeper urges of society. Since procreation doesnt require marriage only a mixing of DNA that can be a singular event.
We are faced with mostly events of society and not survival. If the world gets crazy and widespread death rolls in from above (pick your own near end-of-world event) then those higher societal binds loosen and we descend that old “stairway to heaven” lower into middle earth. Then marriage wont mean a thing.
And so the question posed the Reason for Life Itself well its what we make of it. That may be hard if we try to live in the mainstream of society but we are not that one-trick pony they are and they dont know ALL the answers either. Its hard to step out of the line of dancing pony’s and get into a different rhythm.
And you know what else time changes everything even our perceptions. And what we saw as important years back dont even measure a blip on the radar screen today and that is cool.
You know what it is? Its just a way of belonging. I think people forget that love can be expressed in many other different ways and that a piece of paper stamped by the state means very little. I don’t mean to crash anyone’s hopes and dreams but marriages have become so commercialized. People spend thousands of dollars on their event and file for a divorce three months after. They haven’t even began paying their credit cards off. That’s how I see it… its a show and tell almost.
Being that I was married once [what a hypocrite! :o) ] I cont think I would do it again. I will do everything but get the stamped piece of paper saying that I love him.
To repeat the About page this is NO MEANS an advice blog though if you have questions. I will be more than happy to answer them to the best of my ability. I use this blog for open discussion about what it means to be single and to pay homage to the idea that dating yourself ain’t all that bad — well not all bad anyway. If you choose to use anything I write just don’t be a jackass and not give credit where it’s due. Karma is a bitch and even if I may not catch you she will find her way to sinking her teeth in you. That said welcome. --Arm Jerker J.
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Related article:
http://imsinglesowhat.wordpress.com/2007/11/22/marriage-is-not-the-reason-for-life-itself/
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